


Love

by Ineedadrinkorsleep



Category: The Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Wicked Powers Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Canon Autistic Character, Canon Queer Character, Character Study, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:47:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26927599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ineedadrinkorsleep/pseuds/Ineedadrinkorsleep
Summary: Tiberius Blackthorn has always hated love.
Relationships: Livia Blackthorn & Tiberius Blackthorn, Tiberius Blackthorn/Kit Rook
Comments: 7
Kudos: 55





	Love

**Author's Note:**

> I am currently not ok. So this happened.

For as long as he could remember, Tiberius Blackthorn had always hated love. 

The vulnerability of it. The idea of giving yourself over to someone. Letting them have power over you. The power to break your heart and render you a walking, talking shell. An animated corpse with a giant black hole in your chest. It's brutal and terrifying and he hates the way people around him seem to almost treat it like a game.

Ty always kept his definition of love simple. It's about family. It's about necessity. They looked after each other and kept each other alive and anything else was just asking for trouble. Anything else was better then he deserved. He learned that the hard way. 

He learned it with Paige's cruel condescending laughter, tearing into him and ripping all of the air out if his body. He learned the same lesson he learned many times over. He was different. There was something wrong with him and that meant there was no use in asking for someone to love him. And when Livvy came to his room and held him he always reminded himself.

Necessity. 

It's because we're family. 

It doesn't mean anything. 

And as he grew up he kept the same uneasy truce with love. But he never grew comfortable with it. Love wasn't a friend to be welcomed or cherished like many of his siblings believed. Not that Ty would ever bother pointing this out. 

Ty hated love. He hated it when Livvy fell. When she cried. When she bled. He felt that same horrible feeling. Like his heart was being shredded through razor blades. Like he was powerless to do anything except stand and watch as the world ended. He tried to distance himself from it with the reassurance that she would always be ok. That she would never leave him.

Ty should have known better. 

He should have known that love wasn't done trying to ruin him.

When Ty was 15 he stared into the eyes of the most beautiful person he had ever seen, and blindly wondered if the universe had finally granted him a reprieve. Instead of trusting his better judgement, Ty threw logic and reason to the side and allowed himself to get lost in the miracle of Kit Herondale and his encouraging smile. 

Tiberius Blackthorn had always hated love, but for the very first time he was starting to see it's appeal. 

That was his mistake. Getting comfortable. Becoming familiar. Assuming that it would last. Believing that he would be allowed to have such a thing. 

Of course not. 

He had always hated love and once he saw the shard of the mortal sword pierce his sister's heart, he hated it even more. He tried to do what he had always done before. Distance himself from it. Bury it. 

This isn't real. He could fix this. He could bring her back. 

Except he couldn't. Not really. Not the way she was. And then there was Kit. Kit who had been there throughout all of this. Who had supported him and helped him gather the supplies for the ritual. Kit who had promised him that they would get her back.

He had been so stupid.

"I wish I had never met you." Words that rip through him like shards of glass. Words that scorched him like flames searing into his skin. All the air is torn from his lungs and all that is left is the agonizing horrible emptiness as the world goes blurry. 

You should have known better.

This is all your fault. You did this to yourself. You screwed up the way you always do. You and your screwed up brain. You've ruined everything. 

Ty has always hated love but in this moment he hates himself even more.

Time passes and the wounds begin to heal. As time passes, Ty begins to forget. He finds he thinks of Kit Herondale and that day less and less. He makes new friends. He interacts with his sister as a ghost in the ways they still can. 

He meets a girl with pure magic in her eyes and excitement running through her blood. With her warm brown tones and soft smile she tells him that they are the same. He reads, he learns, he connects.

Ty is afraid. Afraid to trust her. Afraid to care. She confesses that she feels the same way. They keep an uneasy balence of half truths and unspoken words as they sit in silence. 

He never tells her about Kit. Or Livvy. 

One day Magnus Bane gives him a gift he is both horrified and overjoyed to receive. Ty holds the Herondale necklace in his hand. He stares at the symbol. Kit's family symbol.

He feels like he's dying all over again. 

Ty runs outside into the cold icy winter and collapses onto the ground, gasping for air. All he can feel is the agonizing crunch of whatever remains of his heart, squeezing up into a ball like a crumpled peice of paper. 

He wishes he was dead. He contemplates grabbing one of the blades from his belt and opening his wrists right there with Kit's name burned into every inch of his being. 

This is how Ty knows he isn't normal. No normal person feels this deeply. No normal person is swallowed whole by the sheer force of their emotions. Not like this 

Ty lies in the snow, gripping handfuls of it between his fingers. Trying desperately to hold on. Trying desperately to save himself. 

Tiberius Blackthorn has always hated love. But in this moment, as he begs for mercy he knows he will not receive, for mercy he knows he does not deserve, he doesn't just hate love.

He despises it.


End file.
